Angels And Angles

i come from a broken family. but i never knew and never thought that i was affected. but i was. and today after watching a commercial where i do my internship and a great lecture from my sister. i knew somethings wrong. i knew i was affected. i knew all those time thinking that i’m ok was just a cover for all the absence and the separation of one family. and i was turning into something im not and something i would never wish for a million years. to be my dad.

after waking up early in the morning at 4, when my mum called me up. i was thinking to myself. i got work in the morning and your disturbing me. she said she can’t move and that i need to send her to the hospital. i was still being self centered and just went to look at her bed. and when i got at a certain angle i stopped. and looked at her. she reminded me of my grandmother under the light. my mum isn’t getting any younger. and she said she think she has a slip disc. i was still being the bitch i am and try to drag her out of bed just to finish things up so that i could continue my sleep. when she stood up the maid help her change her clothes i went to put on my pants. it just hits me how was i acting and how i was being so selfish. even towards my own mother. while waiting for her on the sofa i think to my self on what ever i learnt yesterday about broken families and i don’t want to be him. i drove her to UH. traumatize with UH and how scared and worried for my mum’s health i still had to keep on going. when we reached there and she went through the hospital. i made a list of what i should change about myself and why. cause i hated being my father and i hated being mean. but mostly i hated being me. so i need a change for myself. so from now on i want to be a better person and it’s the best for myself.

and what ever reason that has to do with my broken family is not an excuse for treating you that way.

movies watch sign and deal.

santau, (rate = 4.5)

muallaf, (rate = 8.5)

sherlock holmes, twice (rate = 9.5)

and imaginarium of doctor parnassus (rate = 3)

dvds or downloaads

lost boys (rate = 7)

crow zero (rate = 8.5)

crow zero 2 (rate = 6)

the shining (rate =8.5)

and 500 days of summer, for the third time (rate = 9.5 still)

sherlock holmes and 500 days of summer is the best for this month cause of the colors and the architecture of the location is the best and the greatest looking ones. never get board watching it twice. or three times for 500 days

lowest rated imaginarium of doctor parnassus is a slow movie but yet beautiful. thumbs up for the art director.

im gonna prove a point to you that we are meant to be together again. and that i gonna put on a reset button. i’ll show you

i miss you nurul syaqinah abdul rahim. but i have no guts to say it to your face cause of the guilt that i have. i know i was the one who ask for it but i want myself to be independent without you. and guess what’s the results….. i can’t go on with out you. you are more of me than myself. i am stupid for leaving. i want you back so badly and still love you so badly but know that im not accepted  in your world. like your friends and family.

im crying writing this

i live for you,

you leave for me,

friends, foes, and love,

let it be free like a flock of doves,

shame on me,

scheme on you,

you are not my regret,

just me being me not want to let go my secret,

focusing me,

confusing you,

that’s all i do,

but cupcake dear i can’t live without you,

you know who you are. i want a fresh start. i want to know who i really am. i’ve been lying alot. and keeping it to myself. not sleeping for days thinking of you. and talking to myself about what i did to you. i’m sorry but sorry doesn’t cut it. the effort is suppose to be shown. and the fact that i still love you. and i want to call you so badly but i can’t. just no guts to be a man. who am i kidding? im no man. i don’t exist .

what i did to you was what i did for love.

what i did was for your own safety

i was madly inlove with you

i dont want anyone else

and im a fool for leaving

but i had to cause i kept on hurting you

you need to move on

you need a better guy

and you need a better life

forget me

i want you to bulk up

and what ever we did was to toughen you up

and sorry

i love you

back to school tomorrow. just hope the adp kids don’t kill me tomorrow.

forgive to forget

to ask and to get

life is a meaning full thing

but when love is around there’s no pouting,

goodbye love goodbye friends,

you were last year’s comments,

but today i need to stand tall

alone and proud,

and without a doubt,

changes are coming my way,

to be better day after day

baby i dont want to lose you…

i hate what i am..

i dont want this to continue..

i want love back..

i want to change for the better..

i am a stupidest jerk for ignoring and not making an effort for seeing you..

and im sorry for taking you for granted.

i know what i have done wrong.

and my friends even scolded me for that.

even hana said “i was a gentleman.. what happened?”

ive lost it.

i dont want

i dont want.

please baby i regret for being this way.

i want to make an effort.

i want to make a change.

but first give me a chance.

yeah peopel i just broke up. and im finding things that are on the brighter side of it. like my birthday party was a blast. a halal and sober party where me/ didi/ adam got to break even with the money that we sponsored. after that when i woke up in the morning after my birthday barbecue i saw a huge card on my table.. it’s from my lil sister. sweetness

it’s a sunday and i got bored. so what else to do then analyze movies.

i started with Smart People directed by Noam Murro and then RocknRolla by Guy Ritchie and ended the day with a personal favorite Clerks II by Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith.

i would to say Smart People is a too intellectual movie to understand the dialogue. but having a family movie being a total opposite to Little Miss Sunshine. Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker and Ellen Page are not at their 100% in this movie. being a fan of Ellen Page, is disappointing to see her doing this sort of role and not being like her character in Juno or Hard Candy.

and after that i switch to RocknRolla. a Guy Ritchie come back after the down fall of the horrid Swept Away with Madonna. i love the cinematography especially during the druggies and the sex scene which was just facial expression of Gerard Butler and Thandie Newton. and i was happy seeing that Ludacris and Jeremy Piven making an entry in this English Film.

and i ended the day with Clerks II. love love the movie and dialogue was tone down a level for me after watching Smart People. Even with out watching Clerks I i could understand the story line and the jokes they gives us. i love the Transformers/Lord of the Rings vs Star Wars debate which i found it funny that a guy would actually puke at a debate like this. i love Jeff Anderson’s character Randall in this movie. even thought he’s stupid, he is still act smart and as well intelligent in his certain ways.